Broken

I’m back in Namche today and I feel absolutely broken; this morning I was packing up my tent at 5000 meters and tracked all day to get back to Namche so I could get more supplies and get back out there as soon as possible. My body hurts, my soul hurts, and my heart hurts. On my way down I heard there had been a yak killed last night miles from where I was. These creatures are literally running rings around me, and they have me fooled.

They’re constantly on the move because of the lack of food so it’s really disheartening because I don’t have the manpower and equipment to track them fast enough and all by myself, yet I feel compelled to find them because I can. I’m always one day behind, the locals don’t know anything other than the kills that the wolves leave, they don’t ever see them. I almost have to try anticipate their next move and get ahead, all they leave me is scat, bones and tracks. For the last month and a half, I’ve been humping these heavy back packs all over the Himalayas with only traces of what appears to be ghosts. https://www.facebook.com/ryan.s.davy/videos/10156415370645846

This failed attempt to find these wolves have brought up all those horrible feelings again; my sensitivities, failed friendships, failed love affairs, failed films. I try so hard at everything I do and the harder I try the less I feel I achieve whereas for some people, they just seem to stroll through life not trying hard at all, and yet, they succeed. Why do we have the ability to feel passion when it’s not allowed or denied, why do we feel jealousy, anger, lust, envy if those feelings are deemed sinful, why give it to us then, just to test us? Why even instil those feelings into us if it’s not allowed? Why make us passionate about something when it’s denied to us or to some, whereas others don’t even have passion and they succeed?

Am I being punished for something someone did in my heritage? Or for something I did in another life? It makes no sense at all. Then there’s people like Liam, who at 16 gets brain cancer, he has so much passion, so much potential, such a big heart yet he’s denied the right to achieve his purpose because of a mortal malfunction, or he has to work that much harder at everything he does, what right do I have to complain? Again, it makes no sense. Is it all one big test or perhaps it is all one big lie... and for what? To die? What a pointless concept. Some religions have the nerve to say it’s because our creator loves us. I love certain people and I would never want to see them suffer, never. I would die for them, give them anything and everything they want, that’s the love we grew up to understand. https://www.facebook.com/ryan.s.davy/videos/10156534974380846

I sound like a spoilt child, and I know it's because my body is worn out, I’ve been tracking non-stop for 10 days, being cold, going hungry and climbing to high altitudes, I also have diarrhoea for reasons unknown to me. My heart hurts, my soul hurts and my thoughts hurt. I guess it’s ok to vent as long as we don’t stay there, get it out and get a move on. I think I just need to eat something proper and maybe wash myself clean of all the despair I’ve been facing, a good shower will probably do the world of good, it’s been a month and a half since I’ve had one. Then I need to just lick my wounds and take some time out, a day or 2 of editing should suffice, enough time to just let my body sit still and pull itself together. At least I know where to start looking, the slaughtered yak should be a good place to start.

Of course, the wolves have 2 days ahead of me now but wolves are not worth killing myself over. In a way that’s the beauty of pushing myself to breaking point, all these issues surface, and questions come up, and it forces me to find answers. I’m not sure if I'll ever find the answers but maybe one day I’ll find peace in not needing to find answers. One has to wonder though what’s the point of it all if we spend our lives searching and we never find anything. Perhaps that’s the symbolism and metaphor in this wolf hunt, the answers lie in the journey. Maybe there is no point; We spend our lives hurting, wanting what we can’t have, searching for love, friendships, acceptance, success, respect, wisdom, and then we die, no one really knows to what end, or does it end?

No-one asked me to do this wolf thing, no-one held me at gun point, it was a calling and I answered it like every other calling in my life. The answer could be in the unknown. Maybe it’s not so much the concept of finding the elixir of life, maybe it’s more about what we find along the way. Is it an Elixir though? Probably not, because no human will ever be content, once we’ve found what we think is happiness, we start searching elsewhere for it. We will always want what we can’t have, it’s in our design, we are programmed that way. It's kind of pointless really, a life of constant wonder, intrigue, reason and to what end? only to perish. I’m going to go hide in my sleeping bag, by morning, all will be well, but every time I close my eyes I see wolf tracks.